Dating with an Anxious Heart: Finding Confidence & Connection
Written by Elizabeth Glover, LPCC
Have you ever found yourself worrying about when you’ll get that text back from someone you’re interested in? This is an absolutely normal reflection of your human needs of wanting to be liked and desired. Dating directly deals with the way we view ourselves so let’s talk about it. An anxious attachment style is a relationship pattern characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, a strong need for reassurance, and heightened sensitivity to a partner’s responses. You may identify with having an anxious attachment style if you find ruminating on negative thoughts such as::
“What if they’re not interested in me anymore?”
“Have I done something wrong?”
“Am I good enough for them?”
“Will they think I’m clingy if I send another text before they reply?”
Even if you don’t fully identify with an anxious attachment style, it’s normal for dating to bring out anxious thoughts and feelings for many people. Dating is vulnerable and it’s only natural to feel more self conscious than usual when we’re interested in someone new. Anxiety often has us cross the line into self criticism in a way that’s unfair to ourselves.
Step one: Reality Check
First, we need to check the facts in the situation. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you sort out what’s real from the story that’s building in your mind:
What’s happened that’s led to me putting stake in these anxious thoughts?
What’s real here?
What’s reasonable to believe about the situation at hand?
What are my expectations and are those reasonable?
What’s going well so far with this person I’m dating?
Take some time to check in with a trusted friend. They may be able to offer an outside perspective to help you separate what’s true from what’s going on in your mind.
Step two: distraction
Take some space from the situation and get your mind off things a little bit. Your anxious thoughts don’t get to run the show here! Take some time to do something you enjoy, bonus points if it’s outside your house. See if you can spend some time with a friend or do something that’s just for you. Some ideas include exercise, getting your nails done, baking a treat, cooking, reading, going out for a meal. The options are endless and the choice is yours.
Step three: take action
After taking some time away from focusing on the situation, revisit it with a fresh mind and check in with yourself. How are you feeling and what do you need? By considering your needs in the situation, you’re taking action by shifting your lens toward what works for YOU rather than what works for someone else. So, what are your needs? Here are some ideas to help you reflect.
Validation and reassurance
Spend some time with people that care about you and you can be authentic with. Try not to spend the time focused on getting their opinion about the situation. Take in their feedback and set it aside. Be in the moment with your people! After all, they’re in your corner.
Relaxation and grounding
Mindfulness can be helpful with this. Some ways to engage in mindfulness are: meditation, yoga, and breath work. In person yoga classes at a wellness based studio generally encompass all three with the added benefit of community.
Dig deeper
Are you finding yourself needing a bit more? A therapist or other professional could help you build a deeper understanding into what you’re experiencing, where that comes from, and what you can do to best support yourself. If you find yourself turning to habits that don’t serve you to deal with the elevated stress of dating anxiety, it may especially be worth seeking out a professional to help you feel more supported while you move through the trials of dating.
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